I have three children but they are not really children anymore
being 31, 23 and 20! It’s difficult not to see them as the little people I
brought into the world, nurtured to the best of my ability, which on good days was
fabulous and bad days was rubbish. I have some amazing and wonderful memories
and some memories of the times where everything seemed out of control and being
a mother didn’t seem to be within my skill set.
Now they are adults. Fully grown and mostly independent
and I’m still their mum.
I still worry about them, sometimes a lot, which depends
on whether I know what they’re doing or where they are in the world. I joke
about burning passports so at least they can’t leave the country and I could
get to them in an emergency! I need to remember though that when you’re an
adult in an emergency you call your friends first. You don’t want to worry your parents, so I
wouldn’t get the call anyway and they’d probably/might/never tell me until the
emergency is over. I think parents get the call for good news and only in an
emergency when only a parent would be helpful or it’s a total disaster and
they’d find out anyway.
I think the hardest part as the years pass is the reduction
in the control; over their decisions, their issues, their way forward, where
they go, who their friends are and letting them learn from their own mistakes and
one of the biggest is not interrogating them. I feel I’ve asked the question:”how was your day?” since the first day of nursery when I didn’t know exactly
what they done all day. Or been able to control it all!
My children’s lives continue and grow and develop and
their relationship with me goes from total dependence to independence
based on the decisions they make with limited input from me .....and it’s hard/weird/releasing/confusing and at times fabulous that I'm not longer responsible! My love for them stays the same notwithstanding they don’t need me the same.
Maybe because we carry them in pregnancy and help them grow into humans it’s
difficult when they don’t need us to help them grow anymore.
A few things to remember:-
How much advice or guidance I wanted from a
parent once I was an adult. Pretty much none!
Their age and that they are grown adults. Sometimes
they want to be their age and be treated that age and sometimes want to be home
to be looked after as the adult world doesn’t play nicely all the time.
Their name; most of the time.
They have their friends who you might not know and who they will go to first for advice and help.
Their birthdays will be days full of memories of the birth-day, the parties, the chaos, the excitement, the cakes, the presents and now accepting their
friends or partners will be making the birthday plans and I might not see or hear from them.
And when it feels too weird remembering their first home was never bricks and mortar and
will be where I am and to try to make it a comfy harbour for them…. without
interrogation. Parenting my adults is about trying to remember these
things and watering and feeding them when they’re home. Listening and offering
help and advice when asked, with the hope they will know it’s true that there is
no place like home.
Image credit Laurie
Rubin
